Obama to Steampunks: Eat Shit and Die

Fuck you, Barack Obama. Fuck. You.

You KNEW I was slated to speak last night at the Second Annual Cleveland Steamers Convention. You KNEW it was going to be cyber-casted across the aetherweb. I sent you the official press release THREE WEEKS ago. I sent you dozens of cyber-text-mails -- which went unanswered. I left you at least 30 electro-voice-messages in the past week alone, informing you that I would be speaking and to please show some common courtesy and re-schedule your acceptance speech at the DNC.

But instead of doing the right thing, you went ahead with your plan and gave your speech anyway. And as a final insult, your speech mentioned nothing -- zilch, zero, nada -- about the jaw-dropping role that the steam engine played in shaping this nation.

I cannot in good conscience vote for an anti-steampunk candidate like yourself.

I also cannot vote for you, because I am Canadian.

Fuck you, Barack Obama.

Corky speaking tonight at Cleveland Steamers convention

I'll be giving the keynote address at the second annual Cleveland Steamers Convention, which kicks off tonight! Here's a photo of me reading from my 14th novel Captain Steamo at last year's event. The Cleveland Steamers is an exclusive club that I co-founded with my fellow CYleBERty Mark Furryfluffer, to celebrate all things Steampunk. Since its jaw-dropping inception the club has grown to over a dozen members! I hope you can all be there tonight!

Corky buys something for a lot of money!

Because I like to tell everyone how much money I spend on things, I just bought this on Ebay for $4800! The custom engraving was an additional $300. I'm wearing it right now so you can't see how far my jaw has dropped!

My only crime was explosive diarrhea!

My jaw just dropped when I realized it's been a jaw-dropping thirteen years since the jaw-droppingly wonderful and amazing movie "Hackers" was released, the movie that is the basis for most of my novels!

I remember when my mom drove me to see it -- I was so excited I pooped my pants and the usher threw us out -- but then I snuck back in (I always carry a spare set of sweats just in case) and watched it eight more jaw-dropping times! Then I went home and make my own cardboard-craft "Gibson" in my bedroom, and I hacked into it again and again!

Sweet, sweet meme-ories. Ahh, to be 25 again.

Photos from Corky's meals

Last night, an online meanie disagreed with my opinion about Steampunk. I cried quietly to myself for a few hours, and then I called Terezzza on my iPhone. She immediately came over to my apartment, gave me a soothing sponge bath with peppermint soap, and made me this delicious peanut butter sandwich with cheetos. Later, she let me put my head in her lap. As she stroked my hair and sang soft lullabyes, I drifted off to peaceful, jaw-dropping slumber.

Margaret Atwood remixes one of Corky's short stories!

Jaw? Dropping! Shirt? Covered with drool! Heart? Aching with joy! I could not be happier right now: Margaret Atwood, a relatively obscure (until now!) Canadian author, has remixed my 1999 award-mentioning short story The Secret Cyber-Diary of Captain Massengill Smugtwat into a full length novel! I haven't read it yet (I'm in the middle of an exhaustive project to translate "The Watchmen" into Kleet -- a Klingon version of leet-speak)... but I'll get to it as soon as I can! I love being able to help my fellow authors with their careers!

Corky's favorite anagrams for "STEAMPUNK"

1. Spunk At Me
2. Spank Mute
3. Meat Spunk
4. Mask Ten Up
5. Ma Kent Pus
6. Mast Ken Up
7. Pa Me Stunk
8. Team Spunk
9. Nap Musket

Neal Stephenson remixes Corky's latest novel!

My good friend Neal Stephenson has remixed my soon-to-be-award-nominated novel L177L3 BL0663r into a 950-page tour-de-force! It's a jaw-droppingly amazing honor to have helped Neal in his burgeoning career as a novelist. Stay cyber-tuned for more of my wonderful novels remixed by Margaret Atwood, Rudy Rucker, William Gibson, John Milton, J.K. Rowling, and Noam Chomsky.

Steampunk ... in the kitchen!

It's not made of brass, but this soul-searingly, wonderfully beautiful little piece of bamboocraft still adds an absolutely amazingly edgy element of drool-inducing steampunkery to your kitchen! This jaw-dropping kictchenhack harnesses the incredible power of steam to heat just about anything! Apparently the Japanese have been using these achingly precious little doodads for decades. I just told my secretary Terezzza to electro-mail my personal chef about getting one. Or perhaps I will pick one up when I get to Tokyo (I'm on the plane right now as a matter of fact!)

Introducing our new forum moderator

As you all know I am a prolific and opinionated CYleBERty. My literary output is nothing less than jaw-dropping: As of today, I have published 77 novels, 244 short stories, 23,921 articles, and an astonishing 94,090,322 blog postings. Now some of you sourpusses will probably say "But Corky, your last eight novels and your last 120 stories were just compilations of blog postings, interspersed with random clippings from software manuals!" Well, poopy heads, I have news for you. Your opinion no longer matters, because there's a new cyber-sherriff in town, here to protect me from you meanies.

Meet Terezzza Nickerson Harridan, Hooray For Everything's new forum moderator. Besides being my trusted friend and cyber-colleague, Terezzza is the inventor of "ampu-texting", a proven technique for ridding cyber-forums of people like you who seem to have nothing better to do with your lives than come into my website and make comments that hurt my feelings. On her own blog, PassingWind, Terezzza has used ampu-texting for the past four years to keep her site clean and sterile. And before you start yelling censorship, you should know that Ampu-texting is not censorship. It is simply the removal of all text from a post. The post still exists, and the poster's opinion is still intact, but the text itself has been completely removed.

Give Terezzza a warm welcome, and stay tuned for more information, including Hooray For Everything's posting guidelines.

I had sex and here's the proof

Mandible-lowering image of my first attempt at embryocraft! An achingly adorable picture of my newborn DNA mashup, Ascii Tiberius Gibson Babbage Tardis Fortran McSteam Devereaux! I took this with one of my brand new iPhones! I had sex!

Where is Corky?

GlandularDisorder writes:

"Corky, where have you been?"

I've been in meatspace for the past couple of months due to the birth of my son, Ascii Tiberius Gibson SteamJedi Devereaux. Now that I'm back in the meme-sphere, I'm wondering if I should keep maintaining this cyber-log! I'm so jaw-droppingly busy. So I pose the question to you, my steamy cyberphants: do you want me to come back? Reply to this text-cast and let me know!